how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
