So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
