maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
