the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
