i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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