i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
