my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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