I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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