Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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