On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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