I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Pants are for mortals
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
