im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
