hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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