I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
