2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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