Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
