my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
