So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I love having hate sex.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
bring money and cleavage
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
