SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
