I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
