i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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