Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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