I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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