hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
