I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
