Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
