and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
