then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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