why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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