i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
