It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
