She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
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Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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