just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
