Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
