Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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