I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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