Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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