just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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