No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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