she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
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We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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