I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
