I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
