Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
