got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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