I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
