Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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