i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
