He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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