I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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