I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
