god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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