this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
