Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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