The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
