God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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