I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
